I meditated on “Who do you think I am?” and made a spider diagram with Jesus in the middle. It was quite useful. My companion also asked the question “Who do I want Him to be?”. (This made me smile.) and to listen to what He said to me. I want Him to be what He is – fire, wisdom and a bit quirky. These are the things on my chart that seem the most important in my life.
He asked me:
Why do you get irritated with St Theresa?
and I said it was because she let others diminish her; because they told her that her visions came from the devil and she believed them, just like that, because she was a woman and not learned! I’m not so obedient to the “Church” as that: I would argue the point. but then, I’m not living with the Spanish Inquisition! And anyway, God found a way around it. I guess that’s the point. It doesn’t matter how we are, if we want Him, God will find a way through. He will use what we are, what seemingly gets in the way, to draw us closer to Him – if that is what we want. JC told me that I was intelligent and wise. I looked at Him to see if He was making fun of me – He just laughed.
Sometimes it is not the leader’s fault if the group won’t follow. The weakness is in the group and their free will, not the leader. Stay longer.
You see someone who thinks Himself wise?
More to be hoped for from a fool than from him.
Prov. 26.12
I’ve now made a chart with me in the middle and around it, who I am to Him. That was interesting. I feel quite euphoric today. I want to laugh and shout out loud and dance. I wasn’t sure if I fell asleep while I was meditating this afternoon and it was then that I got my strongest images of who I am to Him; at least the first ones – mother, grandmother, sailmaker, yachtswoman and forgiven. Naomi came earlier as an explanation, and Sunflower, teenage daughter and fool came during the exposition. I’ve had less full techni-colour pictures in my meditations – I’m in and out of it, and although the pictures today were short, they were the clearest yet on this retreat I think. They were not as the result of making an effort to focus. I read more of St Theresa’s book. She did argue with those who criticised her. And I’m picking up the vibe that she argued quite vehemently too! Maybe not so obedient and downtrodden then!