Diary of a Sunflower: 23 January year 3.

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

I don’t do enough meditating. I need to re-establish the habit. I think I will start tomorrow and resolve to meditate once a week to begin with. I need to build the frequency later, but that is a challenge to start with. 

Diary of a Sunflower: 9 January, year 3.

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

I need to meditate more. On one level, I feel much more on top of things, but deep within me I feel that it is all out of control. I struggle to get up in the morning, I don’t want to go to bed at night. The times between the crashes are getting longer. 

Diary of a Sunflower: 1 January, year 3

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

There needs to be a pulling back in. I’ve been losing myself recently. My dad’s death has thrown me and made me not want to be alone, or quiet, or even meditate because of the fear of the pain that I might feel. I need to let that go now. I did meditate at the start of the holidays – the Good Samaritan – and I was everyone in that story. 

I beat myself up, then I keep myself too busy to help me, so I walk past. The second one is the negative voice telling me to get a grip, and that I’m crap anyway. And the strong me is the one who knows what needs to be done and just gets on with it – no procrastinating or telling myself what needs to be done. Simply action. And that is what helps me. 

Diary of a Sunflower: 21 December, year 2

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

I’m really struggling with my dad’s death at the moment. More so than I have been. It seems that when I am alone, I sit and cry in the moments in between being busy. 

Diary of a Sunflower: November, year 2

Friday 1  November, year 2 

Sunflower’s dad died in the night. 

Wednesday 27 November, year 2 

I feel really tired most of the time and I feel inadequate. It’s like I have to apologise a lot and that things are not up to scratch. And then there are the times where I just cry – like now.  I haven’t meditated at all since and part of me is so afraid to. I don’t want to go too deeply into anything just because of how much it might hurt. I can’t believe Dad is not there anymore. 

Diary of a Sunflower: 22 October, year 2

I’ve just done a meditation on love – at long last! It’s only the second time since I came back from retreat. It took me a while to get into it and I only sat for half an hour. I really want and need to do this more often. 

I heard JC playing the piano and breathing. And I could see the cross with the white shroud hanging from it, like the picture in my scrapbook. The reading in my meditations book today was about dreaming the dreams of a loving person and not an angry person. That’s what I want to be. 

I need to let go of my anger. 

I thought about an annulment today. It seemed to me that it was something I should explore. I don’t think it is something I have resolved once and for all really. 

Diary of a Sunflower: 13 October, year 2

I’m feeling uneasy with myself at the moment. I’m not quite sure what it is that’s bothering me – or maybe I am! Maybe it’s a combination of factors that leave me feeling that my life is out of control. I’m avoiding meditating – there! I’ve admitted that out loud. Rowing with Mum is also on my mind. 

Diary of a Sunflower; 2 October, year 2

I’m really tense at the moment. I seem to be quarrelling with everyone!  I had a row with Mum the other night. I feel very tired and not in control of my life. I’ve only meditated once since I got back from retreat. No wonder! I’m trying to slow down a bit. I need to set some time aside to meditate more regularly – once a week at least. I should aim for something remotely possible! 

Diary of a Sunflower: 23 September, year 2

My crazy life! I feel like I am on a fast train careering towards chaos and mess at the moment and that everything is whizzing past me at breakneck speed. And it has been like that since I came back from retreat and went back to work. I need to meditate. I haven’t done that since I came back from retreat.