Diary of a Sunflower: template

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

I don’t know what was going on with me. A combination of tiredness and being emotionally drained with the aftermath of the death of a student. I did express my feelings and we talked about him moving out. I was able to realise what I actually do want – the happy ever after. I want all the barriers to that to be out of the way and perhaps what is distressing my subconscious is the idea that they never will be. The trust issue will always kick in. 

Diary of a Sunflower: 3 July, year 4

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

Hey! It’s like being married to an alcoholic! Except I’m not. What have I done wrong? I didn’t give him a big pat on the back because he’s given it up again, as of today. Does he really expect me to believe him? When will I have had enough? 

One of the students in school died last week of a brain haemorrhage. Quite suddenly. 

I feel like I did when I was a teenager at home. God, how much longer will I put up with this? I am not happy. But I am not trapped. It’s important to remember that. 

Diary of a Sunflower: 11 June Year 4.

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

Why am I such a difficult person to love? I don’t understand why he is on my case so often. I’m not sure if I’m very happy in this relationship anymore. I love him, I really do, but I seem to elicit this anger in him – just as I did with my ex. Maybe I’m just an impossible person to live with. Maybe the negatives are beginning to outweigh the positives. There has always been some excuse since he moved in, but maybe we can’t, really can’t live together.  

I want serenity in my life, a certain peacefulness and lack of conflict, and the knowledge that God is there. I yearn for this. Yet, I recognise that yearning for romantic love and oneness too. Maybe this is my dichotomy that can’t be resolved. I can have serenity or love, but not both – maybe I have to choose. It’s not just about me, but there are certain patterns that repeat themselves. One of them relates to emotional dependence (or independence). At the weekend I needed some support, but it wasn’t forthcoming. I can be emotionally independent, but does that mean I always have to be? 

The other thing is living up to expectations – being put on a pedestal. Still the anger comes when I don’t live up to it, and how can I possibly? Is it like this for all women, or is it just me? Am I so full of myself and my rights that I’m unreasonable in my expectations, regardless of what I might think? Things were so much easier when I was young and insensitive to men’s feelings. Maybe I need to be like that again: Just “This is the way it is, and if you don’t like it…” I don’t know where we go from here, but I can’t see it continuing.

Diary of a Sunflower: 6 June, year 4

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

I feel really sad today – melancholy and withdrawn. I woke up in a bad mood yesterday morning and it’s just carried on from there. Today I’m tired and weary and I’m not altogether sure why. It occurred to me earlier that I had a sense of loss, like grieving. Except I’m not sure what for. Two things happened the night before last: 1. I finished Phillip Pulman’s trilogy, The Amber Spyglass and 2. I started on a diet. Don’t know if either is related. Maybe it is the book that had disturbed me so much. I can dismiss Pulman’s perception of God as shallow and naïve and devoid of any significant understanding of what it is that he is attacking; I can feel superior, or even just better, that he had to denigrate God to an angel, a lesser being – even almost as one made of flesh – just so that he could kill Him off easily in his book. And that he chose to make Him old and helpless, like a baby. Maybe it’s the description of a world without God – where people have the responsibility to create a republic of heaven – maybe it’s that idea that has depressed me so much? And in what way did Mary Malone tempt Lyra? And did he really perceive that “original sin” was sex? Please! And how was Lyra like Eve? Because she could choose the right or the wrong thing? And Will’s responsibility in the choice? His concept of God was seriously lacking, but would you expect an atheist to understand God – or anything about God, for no-one can really understand God. Could you really expect anyone to have any understanding of God and still be an atheist? So, I should not really be surprised at his naivety regarding God, nor that he should have to bring Him down, so to speak, so that he can destroy Him. The concept of God even seems to be an idea that Pulman can’t get his head around. This book could only have been written by an atheist; I think. 

I also wondered today if it was about my relationship with Sedation; if I’d become aware and was grieving for something this relationship would never be? I was thinking a lot about trust the other day and whether it was right or wrong to be holding something back. The conclusion I came to after talking to Sedation is that it might not be the ideal, but it is necessary. If you don’t give it all up though, it will never be a marriage, and maybe that realisation is the source of my grief. I don’t think I will ever marry him, because I don’t completely trust him. I know that I can’t. His addiction gets in the way of me doing that. So, I have to hold back; I have to protect myself and my children, and maybe it is that knowledge that has made me so weary. Sometimes I don’t like sharing my space with a man and I wish it was just me and my children. I don’t know where to go from here. Maybe just be that Samaritan woman at the well and accept that he is not my husband, nor will he be and while I love him, I should remember that he is not, and that my children are my responsibility. 

Diary of a Sunflower: 3 June Year 4.

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

Life can be quite lonely sometimes. What do I want? Serenity, I want serenity. Do I have that with Sedation? – sometimes, in the sense of being, just being, in a quiet, tranquil sort of way but that deeper sort, knowing that JC is there, that’s more elusive. Meditation is difficult to get into, although the tai chi is doing me a lot of good.  

Serenity – that’s what I want in my life. I don’t believe it’s possible all the time – and maybe that would be boring? 

Diary of a Sunflower: 28 May, Year 4

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

I’m doing tai chi and getting really into it. I’m not being all that successful with meditating though. I tried to do the cross-legged Buddhist posture, but I keep getting pins and needles in my foot. I need to get the position right or give up trying that one. 

Diary of a Sunflower: 20 May, year 4

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

The hot and cold turmoil of Sunflower’s relationship with Sedation continues in the same vein, with her oscillating in her reflections about the relationship. Here, she has spent the evening with a friend, Hunger, who has an eating disorder. The evening has not gone very well. 

Addicts! Who needs them? Not me anyway. Right now, I’ve had enough of it. Who’s supporting me? My diary. I feel the need to withdraw from them all. Reassert my independence emotionally. Bloody addicts. They’re quick to draw on your resources but they can’t do it when you want/need something. It always has to be on their terms. 

Diary of a Sunflower: 8 May, year 4

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

God, is this relationship worth it? 

Diary of a Sunflower: 3 May, year 4

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

And so, we have another cold war! God I can’t stand it. I’m sick of trying to be tolerant, reasonable and understanding. What is the point? He’s a negative, self-pitying addict who counts the cost and resents every second he spends doing something for me. Why do I accept that? Am I so weak, so desperate? Where do we go from here? I don’t know. 

Diary of a Sunflower: 2 May, year 4

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

I don’t know where I am with Sedation. I got upset with him tonight. He was talking about money and stuff and resenting doing things around the house. What’s the point? Sometimes I wonder. I think he’s pushing me too hard. He’s trying to get things all settled here – perhaps the way he wants them – and I’m feeling that he’s asserting control over me that I don’t want. I don’t want a man to control my life, to tell me what I can and can’t do – no matter how subtlely! Maybe that’s the problem. In trying to find his place, he’s pushing and that has implications for me. Maybe I can cope/tolerate/accept what those implications might be but the pushing I can’t accept. I’m not prepared to accept being told what’s not good enough in my own home. I have a very tight knot in my stomach after our discussion tonight. God, what do I do with this?