I found this song by this amazing young man on one of those Tik Tok commentary posts – voice coach blind reacts to it.
You can find the lyrics here.
Then I watched several others comment on it from different perspectives including a psychiatrist and a videographer. For me of course, there is an Ignatian “God in All Things” perspective. I was deeply moved by Ren’s telling of his own story when I first heard it and immediately recognised in it the struggle and the cacophony of what Ignatius describes in the rules of discernment of spirits:
…it is characteristic of the evil spirit to harass with anxiety, to afflict with sadness, to raise obstacles backed by fallacious reasonings that disturb the soul. Thus he seeks to prevent the soul from advancing.
The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, trans. L.J. Puhl S.J.
It is not my intention to equate mental illness with disturbances on a regular scale and I acknowledge the intensity and extremity that Ren describes when he says:
It wasn’t David versus Goliath, it was a pendulum
Eternally swayin’ from the dark to the light
And the more intensely that the light shone, the darker the shadow it cast
Here, I want to simply recognise that what Ren describes as a pendulum is similar in movement and oscillating direction to what many of us experience, if not in scale.
The commentary videos I watched only showed the first part of the video, which is interesting and moving enough, but the second part and Ren’s monologue at the end are very powerful.
Ren exemplifies some of the characteristics of the evil spirit Ignatius describes. In the beginning he talks to Ren as if they are friends, in a similar way as the manner of acting as a false lover. We see how displeased and angry the response is when Ren reveals that he has been talking to his therapist. Ignatius says:
…he earnestly desires that they be received secretly and kept secretly. But if one manifests them to a confessor, or to some other spiritual person who understands his deceits an malicious designs, the evil one is very much vexed.
The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, trans. L.J. Puhl S.J.
When Ren answers him back, we hear the evil spirit effectively throwing a tantrum. Ignatius says:
…if one begins to be afraid and to lose courage in temptations, no wild animal on earth could be more fierce than the enemy of our human nature. He will carry out his perverse intentions with consummate malice.
The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, trans. L.J. Puhl S.J.
And:
…the enemy of our human nature investigates from every side all our virtues, theological, cardinal, and moral. Where he finds the defenses of eternal salvation weakest an most deficient, there he attacks and tries to take us by storm.
The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, trans. L.J. Puhl S.J.
We see this spirit attack Ren with fallacious reasonings around his music, giving voice to the doubts, to faith in himself and to Ren’s sense of self worth. The tone is mocking and harsh, like water on a stone, and as Ren continues affirm his gifts we hear this desolating voice become louder and more angry. Any pretention or delusions of friendship and care disappear as its true identity and intentions are revealed explicitly.
I feel like things might be falling in place
And my music’s been kinda doing bits too
Like I actually might do something great
And then he stands up and sings:
I was made by His hand, it’s all part of His plan
That I stand on my own two feet
And you know me, my will is eternal
And you know me, you’ve met me before
Face to face with a beast, I will rise from the east
And I’ll settle on the ocean floor
And I go by many names also
Some people know me as “hope”
Some people know me as the voice that you hear
When you loosen the noose on the rope
This quiet, strong response give me chills every time I hear it. After all that bluster. It is like Elijah in the cave at Horeb, after the fire, the earthquake and the storm; and then the silence; the voice of God.
Ren describes the turmoil of spirits he demonstrates in this song as an eternal dance, a movement back and forth, a pendulum. Ignatius also recognises movement between consolation and desolation:
When one is in desolation, he should strive to persevere in patience. This reacts against the vexations that have overtaken him. Let him consider, too, that consolation will soon return…
The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, trans. L.J. Puhl S.J.
I don’t think Ren explicitly intended to demonstrate turmoil of spirits as called by Ignatius in the Spiritual Exercises, but I would like to thank him for doing so, for making the spiritual struggle so clear. I will end with Ren’s final words in the song:
And I must not forget, we must not forget
That we are human beings.
