Diary of a Sunflower. 26 August, year 1

The companion has suggested Sunflower meditate on John 4: The Samaritan woman at the Well. She gave Sunflower a poem to read that was written from the perspective of the woman. In it she made reference to His eyes, drawing her in, and also to her own shame. 

I walk towards the well carrying my bucket. It is hot today, and I am sweaty and tired. I put the bucket into the well and then I jump. I notice there is a man sitting in the shade of the tree nearby. He is Hebrew.  He asks me. 

Get me a drink of water?

You are a Jew, I am a Samaritan. You are a man, I am a woman. You are not supposed to even talk to me!”

I declare, emphatically.  He asks:

Don’t you want to talk to me then?

No, I don’t!

and I turn on my heel and walk angrily away, leaving my bucket in the well. 

I am in a dark place now. What if there is no God? What if Jesus was a fool on a cross and this is all platitudes and business?  A means of making money from gullible idiots like me? I shouted this at Him during exposition.  I told Him He was a fool with delusions of grandeur who had got what He deserved. And I stormed out. I have been not sleeping and I have done some angry paintings and a brick wall.  

We’ve covered my agenda during the first three days of my retreat. I found a really nice peaceful place to be and some simple answers of a sort, and I felt much better and well rested thank you – and more religious again. But now that is done – we come onto God’s agenda. But what if there is no God? What if I find I’m only talking to myself? There’s the risk. Intimacy with God. The risk of finding that there is no God, only death, despair and fear. I don’t want to die. I have hit a brick wall and I don’t know if I should pull back to return to it another day or if I should wait. I know I must stay here for now. God’s agenda – not mine. 

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