Diary of a Sunflower: 3 February, year 2

Feeling better today. To answer the question – no, I’m not prepared to lose myself in this love, at least not in the same way. As for being scared, I’ve survived lots of crap. What makes me think I can’t survive anymore? I’m only seven months out of a difficult marriage and even the material aspects of this have not been resolved. I have to expect a wobble here and there. This is the first big wobble I’ve had since I was on retreat in August, so I should stop being so hard on myself. 

I did another deep meditation tonight – or did I fall asleep? I don’t think I did that.  

There was no bitter wine tonight, just sparkling water, and I could see the water moving at the bottom of the well, although I couldn’t hear the stone drop. Diving off the cliff into the water – like amniotic fluid, protected. And circling with my arms outstretched, like on the cross. Supported and safe. Jumping off cliffs is safe because the water will cushion, protect and refresh me. And I was naked. JC was wearing Prince’s garish Bermuda swimming shorts, but He told me that I had bought them so they must be tasteful!  

Not everything about Prince is crap. How could I have married him? But I came into this life alone, and that is how I leave. I make connections along the way, experience love and pain and all the rest. 

“How well have you loved?” 

“Lord, why did you tell me to love? 

I have tried, but I come back to you, frightened… 

Lord, I was so peaceful at home, I was so comfortably settled. 

I was alone, I was at peace.”  

“When men came into you, 

I, your God, 

Slipped in among them.”  

(From: Prayers of Life by Michel Quoist) 

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