The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.
No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers
I’m on retreat again. I just arrived this afternoon and had dinner. Meeting the directors in less than an hour – I hope I have the same companion as the first time again. I’ve changed the week I was going to come to be here to when she was going to be here, and I’ve requested to have her as my companion. I hope they have obliged. I’m quite nervous about this retreat because I’ve had a really rough year. Although I’ve tried to meditate latterly, it hasn’t been as regularly or as deeply as before my dad died. Part of me is scared to go there for fear of unlocking floodgates that are holding back more pain. Still, this is the place to open them and let it all out. But I’m not without trepidation. I’ve rearranged my room as usual – the beds are just too soft here. Now I’m just waiting to begin.
I did my first meditation. I’m scared to let go. I try to analyse each image during the meditation – I think it keeps me holding on and stops me from getting too deeply into it. I cried for my dad – there’s my fear.
There was an image of Jesus playing the piano, Diva’s piano, in a room that is a mixture of the John Lennon “Imagine” video, the large windows in the sitting room of this place and the picture that Dishonesty and Unknowing have in their living room. It was comforting, soothing. What do I want from God? I want to lose the fear inside of me – the panicky feeling inside my stomach. I want to be able to go into my meditations like I did before; to not be afraid of the feelings I might tap into and the intensity of them. I want to be with JC. The other image I saw was the bitter wine – not a jug, but in an unopened bottle on the table. There was the golden eagle my dad showed me in Morar, and the well. I fell into the well, but never reached the bottom, and as I was falling, it became a waterfall.