Diary of a Sunflower: 29 October, year 3

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

Things have been quite difficult between me and Sedation over the past week. I’ve felt quite hurt and it’s probably got a lot to do with me being tired and stressed. I know I need to give myself a regular time that is sacrosanct. So, I’ve decided that every Friday I will have a long bath with music and candles, and I will meditate and write in my diary. This is a need for me. I’ve been neglecting my prayers and ultimately, it’s me that suffers. I need to protect myself and maintain my emotional independence. I feel very distant from him at the moment and I know I need to take my own space. How much do I trust him? I’m not sure sometimes. I can get withdrawn at times – as I have been recently – and I’m not always sure if it’s me that’s being twisted and unreasonable. The idea that things are great as long as I am strong has come into my head again. The relationship gets difficult when I can’t cope with things in general. He stays away and gets stoned too. These last few days are the loneliest I’ve had since I was married. I’ve been worrying about money, about getting M.E. and I’m conscious of the fact that my dad died a year ago on Saturday. 

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