Diary of a Sunflower: 27 December, year 3

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

I’ve just done a three times disturbed meditation on the five foolish and five wise wedding attendants, and on wisdom. I was one of the five wise ones, thankfully. 

Instead of telling the foolish ones to go and buy oil I suggested – long before the bridegroom arrived – that we only keep two lamps burning at a time, instead of all ten. That way we would save the oil and share it so that we could have all ten burning when He arrived. We were in the desert and it was cold and dark. When He (JC) arrived, I was at the front and we did have enough for all ten lamps. He knew what I’d done, and He held my cheek, looked into my eyes and smiled. He might have said:

Well done.  

But I don’t remember exactly. We piled inside, all of us, to follow Him into the wedding. No-one was shut out because we shared. We who had the oil let go of the idea that it was rightfully ours, we let go of the fear that we would be left without, so that everyone could be included. As a wise virgin with a bottle of oil, I understood that fear. I’m not sure it’s so easy to let it go though. 

There are aspects of Sedation that I don’t quite trust. When we come onto conflict he has a hard edge and he could prolong the quarrel for much longer than I could. For it to end, it needs to be me to cave, to be weak. Trouble is, if I cry and make the move to fix it, it gives him the chance not to apologise or acknowledge his wrong. And while we might be okay superficially, there is a residue. That is where we are now. I know things are not right between us. I feel threatened by him – emotionally and materially. 

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