Diary of a Sunflower: 1 January, year 4

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

Weird time at the moment. I’m not feeling well and things have not gotten much better with Sedation. He is staying out a lot and not coming back until late. I don’t know where to go from here. I ought to let it go, but it’s not so easy. It’s like I’ve lost faith in the longevity of, not only this relationship, but in any relationship. There’s a seed of mistrust growing in me. I feel like I’ve given him a lot over this term and that somehow it will never be enough. His negativity at the start of the holidays was difficult to deal with. I don’t really know what is wrong with me. I feel angry and moody. I don’t know whether it’s him or me. Part of me thinks that relationships with men are just impossible. It’s like they start off thinking you’re great, then after a while all they can see is what they think is wrong with you. Even the things they originally liked about you become faults in their eyes, and it’s all downhill from there. I can’t really see a way forward for us

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