Diary of a Sunflower: 6 June, year 4

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

I feel really sad today – melancholy and withdrawn. I woke up in a bad mood yesterday morning and it’s just carried on from there. Today I’m tired and weary and I’m not altogether sure why. It occurred to me earlier that I had a sense of loss, like grieving. Except I’m not sure what for. Two things happened the night before last: 1. I finished Phillip Pulman’s trilogy, The Amber Spyglass and 2. I started on a diet. Don’t know if either is related. Maybe it is the book that had disturbed me so much. I can dismiss Pulman’s perception of God as shallow and naïve and devoid of any significant understanding of what it is that he is attacking; I can feel superior, or even just better, that he had to denigrate God to an angel, a lesser being – even almost as one made of flesh – just so that he could kill Him off easily in his book. And that he chose to make Him old and helpless, like a baby. Maybe it’s the description of a world without God – where people have the responsibility to create a republic of heaven – maybe it’s that idea that has depressed me so much? And in what way did Mary Malone tempt Lyra? And did he really perceive that “original sin” was sex? Please! And how was Lyra like Eve? Because she could choose the right or the wrong thing? And Will’s responsibility in the choice? His concept of God was seriously lacking, but would you expect an atheist to understand God – or anything about God, for no-one can really understand God. Could you really expect anyone to have any understanding of God and still be an atheist? So, I should not really be surprised at his naivety regarding God, nor that he should have to bring Him down, so to speak, so that he can destroy Him. The concept of God even seems to be an idea that Pulman can’t get his head around. This book could only have been written by an atheist; I think. 

I also wondered today if it was about my relationship with Sedation; if I’d become aware and was grieving for something this relationship would never be? I was thinking a lot about trust the other day and whether it was right or wrong to be holding something back. The conclusion I came to after talking to Sedation is that it might not be the ideal, but it is necessary. If you don’t give it all up though, it will never be a marriage, and maybe that realisation is the source of my grief. I don’t think I will ever marry him, because I don’t completely trust him. I know that I can’t. His addiction gets in the way of me doing that. So, I have to hold back; I have to protect myself and my children, and maybe it is that knowledge that has made me so weary. Sometimes I don’t like sharing my space with a man and I wish it was just me and my children. I don’t know where to go from here. Maybe just be that Samaritan woman at the well and accept that he is not my husband, nor will he be and while I love him, I should remember that he is not, and that my children are my responsibility. 

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