Diary of a Sunflower: 21 July, year 4

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

Sunflower continues to oscillate and to question her relationship status and her disordered attachments within it.

I mustn’t let myself become dependent on him for anything – nor let him become dependent on me. I need to keep myself separate and be careful of making myself vulnerable – I think. It contradicts the understanding that I have that to love somebody unconditionally, you need to let go and be completely open to them. The ideal, I guess. All this up and down and the extremes that I am beginning to feel again. It’s no good. It’s not who I want to be. This tired out, put upon old dragon: resentful and always feeling criticised. I don’t want it. But he is an addict. He exhibits all the behaviour that goes with it and there are certain things that I need to accept about that. 

  1. I am powerless over his habit and him, and my life is unmanageable. 
  1. I cannot (at the moment) change my desire to have him in my life, so I must accept that the living situation is staying as it is. I need to accept that and live with it, so I must work on my own serenity. It is my responsibility to myself. 

“God grant me the serenity 

To accept the things I cannot change, 

Courage to accept the things I can, 

And wisdom to know the difference.” 

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