Diary of a Sunflower: 3 August, year 4

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

Checking in last night was quite interesting. Everybody had the opportunity to say how it was going for them and where they were at bascially. I was very honest about why I had come on a Bhuddist retreat and the reactions of a few people were interesting. It’s good to declare who I am because I don’t feel so awkward today. Some people have asked me about what my religious practice is, and that’s OK.

I am getting to know Sedation better, yet it still seems that I don’t know him at all, like he is a complete stranger to me. Although he is open here and able to give himself more freely, there are already what seems to me, deluded thoughts about his dope smoking creeping in and I know that this is the difficult path to follow. I know that I should stay with him and that it won’t be easy and that he may slip back into his dope habit. I do know that my happiness shouldn’t depend on it though. This is where I need to work. I need to use my Al Anon program and I need to meditate regularly. It is the way of the cross, and it is difficult. The path is winding, rocky and dangerous, and there are more than likely a few cliff faces and scree. I know this will be difficult, but it is my reluctant path for now.

I trust J.C. He says He won’t leave me – all I have to do is maintain my contact with Him.

The way of the cross is hard.

I know.

Don’t leave me.

I won’t leave you.

I guess if anyone should know how hard the way of the cross is, it’s J.C. What right have I to be scared? Or even reluctant?

Leave a Reply