But because of our own inconsistancy, we often fall in to sin. [Then] the prompting of our enemy …and our own folly and blindness…say: You know well that you are a wretch, a sinner and also unfaithful…Often you promise our Lord that you will do better, and then you fall again into the same state, especially into sloth and wasting of time, for that, as I see it, is the beginning of sin. And this makes [us] afraid to appear before our courteous Lord. Thus it is our enemy who wants to retard us with his false suggestions of fear about our wretchedness…For it is his purpose to make us so depressed and sad in this matter that we should forget the blessed contemplation of our everlasting friend…So this is the remedy, that we aknowledge our wretchedness and flee to our Lord; for always, the more abased we are, the more profitable it is for us to touch him.
Often when our falling and our wretchedness are shown to us, we are so…greatly ashamed of ourselves that we scarcely know where we can put ourselves. But then our courteous Mother does not wish us to flee away, for nothing would be less pleasing to Him; but He then wants us to behave like a child. For when it is distressed and frightened, it runs quickly to its mother; and if it can do no more, it calls to its mother for help with all its might. So He wants us [to cry out]: My kind Mother, my gracious Mother , my beloved Mother, have mercy on me. I have made myself filthy and unlike you, and I may not and cannot make it right except with your help and grace…For the flood of mercy which is His dear blood and precious water is plentiful to make us fair and clean…The sweet gracious hands of our Mother are ready and diligent about us….It is His office to save us, it is His glory to do it, and it is His will that we know it; for He wants us to love Him sweetly and trust in Him meekly and greatly.
Reading: Luke 13: 34b
Psalm 34: 5-6
Having had an unplanned rest from blogging to allow me to focus on getting school ready for a complete return in September, here I am again, carrying on with my journey with Julian and picking up my usual routine once more.
The mother can give her child to suck of her milk, but our precious Mother Jesus can feed us with Himself, and does, most courteously and most tenderly, with the blessed sacrament, which is the precious food of true life; and with all the sweet sacraments He sustains us most mercifully and graciously…[And He says]: All the health and life of the sacraments, all the power and the grace of my Word, all the goodness which is ordained in the Holy Church for you, I am He…The mother can lay her child tenderly to her breast, but our tender Mother Jesus can lead us easily into His blessed breast through His sweet open side, and show us there a part of the Godhead and of the joys of heaven, with inner ceratinty of endless bliss. And that He revealed [in saying]: “See how I love you!” This fair lovely word “mother” is so sweet and so kind in itself that it cannot truly be said of anyone or to anyone except of Him and to Him who is the true Mother of life and of all things.
Reading: 1 Peter 2:2
Psalm 34: 8
Featured image is of an illustration by Francisco Miranda from Good Goats by Dennis Linn, Shiela Frabricant Linn, Matthew Linn.
I have been challenged in my prayer recently, with the 40 Day Journey with Julian of Norwich, together with the scripture from Pray As You Go this week (Thursday 9 July), to contemplate the image of God as Mother, rather than as Father. I do not have any rational objection to the idea, quite the contrary: any time I have encountered the image I have been in favour of it. I just have some trouble getting into it. It might be argued that my upbringing has conditioned me to view God as male, with Father as the predominant image. Certainly, whenever I appear as a child in my imaginative contemplation, the image of God as Father is around at times, but even more so there is the sense of God being as a big brother, or cousin, or grown up friend, and Jesus and the Holy Spirit, certainly as a friends, regardless of what age I am in the particular prayer. I am also very much at home with the imagery from the Song of Songs, where God appears as the lover of the soul and given my heterosexuality, it is quite natural for me to experience God as male in that context. There may also be a contributing factor that Mary, the mother of Jesus, is held up as the mother image in the church I belong to, and the patriarchal representation of her womanhood and motherhood, the motherhood of sons rather than daughters, is problematic for me. So while I do not object to Mother imagery of God in a purely rational sense, it is not an image that has penetrated very deeply into my pysche. Until now, when I find myself pondering it in prayer.
Loving, giving, nurturing, protecting – all of these attributes can be given to fathers as well as mothers. I am not well versed in gender studies; I am aware of the nature versus nurture arguments, predominantly from my scientific background, and while I do not want to reduce the argument purely to reproductive biology, I think that there is a key to unlocking my understanding and engagement with the image of God as Mother in the science of human reproduction and my role as a woman within that.
If I were to sum up the essence of the difference between nurturing fatherhood and motherhood, it would be visceral, literally in the blood and guts and gore of motherhood. My purpose in exploring this aspect of the image is not to exclude everything else about motherhood, or to deny everything else as motherhood if it is without the actual childbirth. That would be to imply that step mums and adoptive mums, and those who suffer the desire of the screaming womb and bear the pain of not being able to have children of their own are not real mothers. I do not stand there, and I do not think that, nor would I say it, or even have it construed from my words. I would never dream of distributing hurt from my words in that way, and would be sincerely regretful if I did. My own experience of screaming womb, of not being pregnant when I wanted to be is very brief, and I can and did only imagine living with it all my life. I am sure the sorrow and pain I imagined does not even scratch the surface of the experienced anguish. Scripture contains its own stories of women who understand this pain: Sarah, Rachel, Elizabeth, to name a few. And as for the pregnancy that ends in miscarriage, I know this pain and it is impossible to forget. My own mum still grieves and mentions those little ones she lost, and she is ninety. I get where she is coming from. I explore the images of pregnancy, childbirth and of nursing a child here, as a subset of everything else, to draw out the more from using the image of Mother specifically, as opposed to Father, or Parent. Julian says:
We know that all our mothers bear us for pain and for death….but our true Mother Jesus…alone bears us for joy and for endless life, blessed may He be. So He carries us within Him in love and travail, until the full time when He wanted to suffer the sharpest thorns and cruel pains…40 Day Journey with Julian of Norwich, Edited Lisa E. Dahill
and the reading that has been put with that day on the 40 Day Journey says:
…one of the soldiers pierced Jesus’ side with a spear, bringing a sudden flow of blood and water.John 19:34
To be carried within, to bear, to suffer cruel pains and a sudden flow of blood and water – these are images associated with childbirth, and while we all have been born, to literally bear a child is the experience of biological mothers, of pregnancy and childbirth. In my own experience of labour, I remember a moment, when I was so exhausted, and the pain of the contractions were so excruciating that I just wanted it to stop, and the only price I was not prepared to pay for that was harm to my yet unborn baby. I would have sold my granny, and risked myself, just to make it stop.
In the Spiritual Exercises, Ignatius encourages us to bring our prayer experience into the body through The Application of the Senses and he describes the process at the beginning of the contemplations in the Second week, one of which is the nativity itself. To use the memory and the imagination in our prayer grounds our prayer in our reality, it makes God corporeal. Bringing my experience of childbirth into my prayer this week has deepened my understanding of this image of God as Mother, but it is not just childbirth itself. In the reading from Hosea used in Pray As You Go, it says:
I led them with cords of human kindness,
with ties of love….
…and I bent down to feed them.Hosea 11: 1-4, 8-9
The use of the word “cord” as a “tie”, again, is reminiscent of pregnancy and childbirth by way of the umbilical cord, but the bending down to feed extends the image to that of suckling a child. Again, it is not my intention to dismiss or disparage bottle feeding in any way, there are numerous positives and areas of overlap with breast feeding, and anyone can do it, meaning that parents who are not biological mothers are included in nourishing and nurturing children. As with the image of pregnancy and childbirth itself, I am looking for the more in the image of God as mother, and I am drawing and reflecting on my own experience as a biological mother. As one who breast fed and has experience of bottle feeding, I feel qualified to comment on the worst kept secret of breast feeding mothers. It is this: once you get past the stress and the pain of latching on and the cracked and sore nipples, breast feeding your baby is blissful. I remember reading a long time ago something about a biological positive feedback loop and the reality is, it is blissful when it goes right, for both the mother and child. You experience your replete child calm and quieted, as the soul is described in Psalm 131:
But I have calmed and quietened myself,Psalm 131: 2
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.
And the feeling is reciprocated in the mother who has fed her child. The tension of full breasts is soothed and the mother relaxed. There is a warm bond of intimacy and contentment between the mother and her baby. It is a feeling of everything being right with the world. In the first months of the baby’s life, she is completely dependant on this source of nourishment and trusting of the source. The mother who breast feeds is, for a short time, the absolute centre of that child’s world, without reservation. That might seem like a huge responsibility, but there is a ferocious strength that comes with it. I remember feeling that I could tear apart a lion with my bare hands should it so much as look at my child as if she were dinner. We were at the zoo at the time, let me just place that image in its proper context.
What am I left with? When we are as dependent on God as a baby on the mother who feeds her; when our world revolves around Him in absolute, unquestioning trust; when we drink fully of the nourishment and protection He gives freely and generously, we become blissed out in Him. My contemplations on the Motherhood of God has distilled into this one idea. In spite of all the suffering and gore that goes creation:
God is blissed out by our bliss in Him.
At the moment it is a shocking and awesome idea that is located in my rational, thinking brain. It has yet to penetrate more deeply, to meet with the same knowledge in the heart of my soul. And Julian herself has said:
And when He had finished, and had so borne us for bliss, still all this could not satisfy His wonderful love…40 Day Journey with Julian of Norwich, Edited Lisa E. Dahill
It is not enough, enough and more than enough, all at the same time. I will contemplate the image of Mother God some more.
Jesus Christ, who opposes good to evil is our true Mother. We have our being from Him, where the foundation of motherhood begins….We know that all our mothers bear us for pain and for death….but our true Mother Jesus…alone bears us for joy and for endless life. blessed may He be. So He carries us within Him in love and travail, until the full time when He wanted to suffer the sharpest thorns and cruel pains…and at the last He died. And when He had finished, and had so borne us for bliss, still all this could not satisfy His wonderful love…To the property of motherhood belong nature, love, wisdom and knowledge, and this is God. For though it may be that our bodily bringing to birth is only little, humble and simple in comparison with our spiritual bringing to birth, still it is He who does it in the creatures by whom it is done…And in our spiritual bringing to birth He uses more tenderness, without any comparison, in protecting us…And from this sweet and gentle operation He will neither cease or desist, until all His beloved children are born and brought to birth.
Reading: John 19: 33-34
I’ve managed to catch up on my journey again, and so I carry on.
I contemplated the work of all the blessed Trinity, in which contemplation I saw and understood these three properties; the property of the fatherhood, and the property of the motherhood and the property of the Lordship in one God…As to the first I saw and understood that the high might of the Trinity is our Father, and the deep wisdom of the Trinity is our Mother, and the great love of the Trinity is our Lord; and all these we have in nature and in our substantial creation…As truly as God is our Father, so truly is God our Mother, and He revealed that in everything…I understand three ways of contemplating motherhood in God. The first is the foundation of our nature’s creation; the second is His taking of our nature, where the motherhood of grace begins; the third is the motherhood at work. And in that, by the same grace, everything is penetrated, in length and in breadth, in height and in depth without end; and it is all one love.
Reading: Ephesians 3: 18-19
I’m falling a bit behind on my journey again so I put this here with optimism and the intention to catch up again.
Though my Lord revealed to me that I…[will] sin, by me is understood everyone. And in this I conceived a gentle fear, and in answer to this our Lord said: I protect you very safely. This word was said with more love and assurance of protection for my soul than I can or may tell. For just as it was first revealed to me that I should sin, so was consolation revealed – assurance of protection for all my fellow Christians. What can make me love my fellow Christians more than to see in God that He loves all who will be saved, all of them as if it were one soul? For we cannot be blessedly saved until we are truly in peace and love, for that is our salvation. [There we will be] wholly contented with God and with all His works and with all His judgements, and loving and content with ourselves and with our fellow Christians and with everything which God loves, as is pleasing to love. And God’s goodness does this in us.
Reading: John 17:22-23
Psalm 15: 5-6, 11
And in this He revealed the delight that He has in the creation of [our] soul; for as well as the Father could ceate a creature and as well as the Son could create a creature, so well did the Holy Spirit want our spirit to be created, and so it was done. And therefore the blessed Trinity rejoices without end in the creation of [our] soul, for it saw without beginning what would delight it without end…For I saw in the same revelation that if the blessed Trinity could have created [our] soul any better, any fairer, any nobler than it was created, the Tinity would not have been fully pleased with the creation of our [soul]. But because it made our [soul] as beautiful, as good, as precious a creature as it could make, therefore the blessed Trinity is fully pleased without end in the creation of [our] soul. For our soul sits in God in true rest, and our soul stands in God in sure strength, and our soul is naturally rooted in God in endless love.
Reading Isaiah 43:1
And then our good Lord …showed me my soul in the midst of my heart. I saw the soul as wide as if it were an endless citadel, and also as if it were a blessed kingdom, and from the state which I saw in it, I understood that it is a fine city. In the midst of that city sits our Lord Jesus Christ, true God and true man…and He rules and guards heaven and earth and everything that is. The place that Jesus takes in our soul He will never more vacate, for in us is His home of homes, and it is the greatest delight for Him to dwell there. Greatly ought we to rejoice that God dwells in our soul; and more greatly ought we to rejoice that our soul dwells in God. Our soul is created to be God’s dwelling place, and the dwelling of our soul is God, who is uncreated. Marvelous and splendid is the place where the Lord dwells; and therefore He wants us promptly to attend to the touching of His grace, rejoicing more in His unbroken love than sorrowing over our frequesnt failings.
Reading: Revelation 21:2-3
Psalm: 84: 1-2
I have now caught up on my journey after my illness, and I am carrying on my way.
And thus I saw that He wants us to know that He takes the falling of any creature who will be saved no harder than He took the falling of Adam, who, we know, was endlessly loved and safely protected in all the time of his need, and now is blissfully restored in great and surpassing joys. For our Lord God is so good, so gentle and so courteous that He can never assign final failure to those in whom He will always be blessed and praised. I saw and understood that very surely in each soul which will be saved there is a godly will which never assented to sin and never will. Therefore our Lord wants us to know…that we have all this blessed will whole and safe in our Lord Jesus Christ, because every nature with which heaven will be filled had of necessity…to be so joined and united in Him that in it a substance was kept which could never and should never be parted from Him.