Category: journal/diary

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

The hot and cold turmoil of Sunflower’s relationship with Sedation continues in the same vein, with her oscillating in her reflections about the relationship. Here, she has spent the evening with a friend, Hunger, who has an eating disorder. The evening has not gone very well. 

Addicts! Who needs them? Not me anyway. Right now, I’ve had enough of it. Who’s supporting me? My diary. I feel the need to withdraw from them all. Reassert my independence emotionally. Bloody addicts. They’re quick to draw on your resources but they can’t do it when you want/need something. It always has to be on their terms. 

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

God, is this relationship worth it? 

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

And so, we have another cold war! God I can’t stand it. I’m sick of trying to be tolerant, reasonable and understanding. What is the point? He’s a negative, self-pitying addict who counts the cost and resents every second he spends doing something for me. Why do I accept that? Am I so weak, so desperate? Where do we go from here? I don’t know. 

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

I don’t know where I am with Sedation. I got upset with him tonight. He was talking about money and stuff and resenting doing things around the house. What’s the point? Sometimes I wonder. I think he’s pushing me too hard. He’s trying to get things all settled here – perhaps the way he wants them – and I’m feeling that he’s asserting control over me that I don’t want. I don’t want a man to control my life, to tell me what I can and can’t do – no matter how subtlely! Maybe that’s the problem. In trying to find his place, he’s pushing and that has implications for me. Maybe I can cope/tolerate/accept what those implications might be but the pushing I can’t accept. I’m not prepared to accept being told what’s not good enough in my own home. I have a very tight knot in my stomach after our discussion tonight. God, what do I do with this? 

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

Sedation has given up the course he was doing to become a teacher and is much lighter for it. With her own school inspection over, the pressure has also been taken off Sunflower a bit at work. Things are a bit more relaxed. 

I feel really close to him at the moment. There’s a warm intensity there. It’s a feeling that we fit together. He compliments me in so many ways. 

I’m getting more into tai chi. I’m ready to be more disciplined with it now – and that’s what I need to do. I’m going on a retreat with Sedation in the summer – looking forward to that. 

I also talked to my ex today about applying for an annulment. He said he would comply for my benefit, but his view would be that it’s the way the church twists it to justify divorce. I can live with that. I wanted to check to ensure that it wouldn’t hurt him, and to make sure he knew that I didn’t regret marrying him. I may well apply for it after the divorce comes through. 

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

Don’t believe in the longevity of this relationship anymore. I have trust issues and Sedation is not convincing me that letting go of them is the right thing. He doesn’t listen when I try to express any feelings of dissatisfaction with the way it is and he goes off on his little martyr, poor me trip. I’m fed up with it to be honest and it’s pretty boring. I don’t know if and when we’ll split up, but I don’t see myself throwing my lot in with him. 

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

I am powerless – my life has become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 

Step 1: and Step 2 Alcoholics Anonymous

The problem – and a signpost to find the answer. I feel that my life is beyond my control at the moment. What I would like is impossible – or feels it, even though I tell myself it should be reasonable and not difficult to achieve. But then, maybe to achieve it, I would have to live my life by formula and not take account of how I feel at any particular moment – there would be no room for spontaneity. I want to excel at my work, I would like the house to be reasonably clean and tidy all the time, I want to get fit and maintain it, and I would like to do things that keep me in touch with me – I need to do those things – tai chi, meditate, reflect on and evaluate my life more often – daily in fact, via this diary. I feel tired and weary, and I lack energy. I would like this to change. Start today…little steps

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

Weird time at the moment. I’m not feeling well and things have not gotten much better with Sedation. He is staying out a lot and not coming back until late. I don’t know where to go from here. I ought to let it go, but it’s not so easy. It’s like I’ve lost faith in the longevity of, not only this relationship, but in any relationship. There’s a seed of mistrust growing in me. I feel like I’ve given him a lot over this term and that somehow it will never be enough. His negativity at the start of the holidays was difficult to deal with. I don’t really know what is wrong with me. I feel angry and moody. I don’t know whether it’s him or me. Part of me thinks that relationships with men are just impossible. It’s like they start off thinking you’re great, then after a while all they can see is what they think is wrong with you. Even the things they originally liked about you become faults in their eyes, and it’s all downhill from there. I can’t really see a way forward for us

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

I’ve just done a three times disturbed meditation on the five foolish and five wise wedding attendants, and on wisdom. I was one of the five wise ones, thankfully. 

Instead of telling the foolish ones to go and buy oil I suggested – long before the bridegroom arrived – that we only keep two lamps burning at a time, instead of all ten. That way we would save the oil and share it so that we could have all ten burning when He arrived. We were in the desert and it was cold and dark. When He (JC) arrived, I was at the front and we did have enough for all ten lamps. He knew what I’d done, and He held my cheek, looked into my eyes and smiled. He might have said:

Well done.  

But I don’t remember exactly. We piled inside, all of us, to follow Him into the wedding. No-one was shut out because we shared. We who had the oil let go of the idea that it was rightfully ours, we let go of the fear that we would be left without, so that everyone could be included. As a wise virgin with a bottle of oil, I understood that fear. I’m not sure it’s so easy to let it go though. 

There are aspects of Sedation that I don’t quite trust. When we come onto conflict he has a hard edge and he could prolong the quarrel for much longer than I could. For it to end, it needs to be me to cave, to be weak. Trouble is, if I cry and make the move to fix it, it gives him the chance not to apologise or acknowledge his wrong. And while we might be okay superficially, there is a residue. That is where we are now. I know things are not right between us. I feel threatened by him – emotionally and materially. 

The diary entries are extracts from my spiritual journey, going back about twenty years.

No, I tell you this because I was told to tell it – by what you might call ‘ a higher authority’ – and truth is, the thought of how to tell it has taxed me for so many years.

Miss Garnet’s Angel, Sally Vickers

Things have been quite difficult between me and Sedation over the past week. I’ve felt quite hurt and it’s probably got a lot to do with me being tired and stressed. I know I need to give myself a regular time that is sacrosanct. So, I’ve decided that every Friday I will have a long bath with music and candles, and I will meditate and write in my diary. This is a need for me. I’ve been neglecting my prayers and ultimately, it’s me that suffers. I need to protect myself and maintain my emotional independence. I feel very distant from him at the moment and I know I need to take my own space. How much do I trust him? I’m not sure sometimes. I can get withdrawn at times – as I have been recently – and I’m not always sure if it’s me that’s being twisted and unreasonable. The idea that things are great as long as I am strong has come into my head again. The relationship gets difficult when I can’t cope with things in general. He stays away and gets stoned too. These last few days are the loneliest I’ve had since I was married. I’ve been worrying about money, about getting M.E. and I’m conscious of the fact that my dad died a year ago on Saturday.